*This article uses identity-first language as is the preference by the autistic community, including the author
Ah, the holidays, the most wonderful time of the year…or is it? Sure, there’s parties and festive light displays, and you get to exchange gifts, see loved ones you don’t get to see often enough, and curl up with some cookies and hot chocolate by the fireplace, but is it really all it’s cracked up to be? Yes and no.
Now, before you get mad at me, I don’t hate Christmas. Would I be super happy if I never had to hear that cursed Mariah Carey song ever again? Do I hate the rampant consumerism? Does seeing a holiday display before the last week in November make me roll my eyes so hard I’m surprised they don’t get stuck like that? Yes, yes, and hard yes. But I don’t hate Christmas.
Call me a cynic, a bah humbug, a Grinch, whatever, but I find holidays to be the most stressful time of the year. I think everyone secretly finds the holidays stressful, too, but they’re all lying to themselves and everyone else because we’ve built up this societal expectation that the holidays are supposed to be the happiest time of the year.
But if you’re autistic, the holidays can be extra stressful. There’s a change in routine, bright lights, loud people, family drama, and social expectations you’re punished for not following. As an autistic adult who has been there, done that, I would like to give some tips to parents of autistic children, friends, family members, allies, and autistic adults on supporting your autistic loved one through this stressful time.
DO communicate with your family members.
Ensure that everyone is up-to-speed about what accommodations you/your child needs. Discuss with them strategies for how to support you or your autistic child when they are anxious or need to calm down and what strategies help. And don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it – this is especially true for autistic adults used to masking.
DON’T force your loved one to hug someone they don’t want to.
Now, this statement goes for ALL parents, including ones of neurotypical children, especially girls. Many articles have extensively covered why letting children express affection on their own terms is important to children’s development and autonomy already. For this post, I’m going to focus on why this is harmful ESPECIALLY for autistic children.
We’re sort of like cats – we love to be touched and held, but only on our own terms. Many of us have sensory difficulties related to touch, and hugs can be not just uncomfortable, but downright painful. This goes for forcing eye contact, too. Forcing an autistic person to hug someone when they don’t want to when they’re likely already overwhelmed is a recipe for a meltdown or shutdown – and nobody wants that.
Let your kid (or if you are the autistic person, let yourself) express affection on their terms.
DO prepare extensively.
I really can’t stress enough that preparation is key for us. Autistic people struggle with changes to their routine or environment, especially if those changes are sudden. Whether you’re traveling or having people visit your home, have a schedule of what is happening and when. It can be helpful to have a schedule on paper so they have a visual reference to look back on. Make sure they know what to expect so there are no surprises to overwhelm them.
If you’re traveling, go over the itinerary with them and discuss flight times or car travel time. Have your/their favorite items on hand and anything they need for support. Having good noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs, a favorite book, comfort item, stim toy, favorite foods, et cetera can make all the difference. Standard travel tip, but make doubly sure all devices are fully charged before you leave, especially if you/your child uses a tablet/AAC to communicate.
If you are having guests over, make sure that you/your child has a safe, quiet space that they can go to when they are feeling overwhelmed and do not scold them for being “asocial” when they need to go into that space. Make sure your child knows who is coming over.
If you or your child is autistic, it may also be helpful to prepare by practicing social scripts – what to say when you receive a gift, how to react if you don’t like a gift, waiting turns for everyone else to open gifts. For adults, it may be helpful to practice how you’ll respond to typical questions you might be asked like “How is school?” or “Are you still seeing x?”
DON’T put too much pressure on yourself/your child
It’s okay if the holidays are stressful for you. It’s okay if you feel overwhelmed. It’s okay if the weird social scripts (I feel like I never know how to react to a gift properly and people assume me of under-reacting, even when I love it) of the holidays are frustrating. It’s okay to need a break. We’re only human. Autistic adults reading this, I know you may have family members that aren’t supportive. That sucks, and it extra sucks to have to pretend to be nice to them when you don’t want to. The holidays will be over soon. Make sure you give yourself/your child some extra love and support this time of year – we need it and will appreciate it immensely even if we don’t express it the way you expect us to.
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